Chainsaws Solves Everything

[heliopauseentertainments]

For fandomweekly challenge #150 - Paradox. Placed 1st.

Continuity: IDW1

Rating: General

Relationship: Rodimus & Ultra Magnus

Characters: Rodimus & Ultra Magnus

Warnings: Complete and utter nonsense, crack

Summary: In which Rodimus has a cunning plan to rid the ship of statistically unlikely monsters.

Crossposting: AO3 | Tumblr | fandomweekly entry | Pillowfort

Fic under cut

"This conversation is ridiculous.”

Not this again.

"You are ridiculous.”

Happening again, yep.

“Everything that's happened in the last few days is intensely ridiculous.”

It was like Ultra Magnus had heard Megatron say that entire spiel the once and decided to save it for his own use later. As much as Rodimus had gotten used to Magnus being more than a little overbearing, that didn’t mean he wanted to hear about it.

“Mags, can you dial it back?” he asked, revving up the chainsaw he’d yanked off the cargo bay’s wall.

What a weird place to leave a chainsaw, but Rodimus wasn’t going to look a gift equid in the mouth.

Not this time.

Last time he’d gotten his hand bitten clean off. Lesson learned.

“It’s not my fault that the nebulous shadow creatures infesting the ship and harassing the crew are fatally allergic to the sounds of unlikely, but conveniently located chainsaws.”

“It is your fault.”

Magnus pointed at him in accusation.

“You insisted that we fly towards that anomaly. And, for the last time, they’re not ‘shadow creatures’! They’re….”

The large second-in-command paused, struggling to think of a more “scientific” name for the dark, aggressive, intangible blobs floating about their ship wreaking mischief after pouring out of the rift in spacetime that had been at the center of the anomaly.

“They’re—“

“Shadow creatures, Mags,” Rodimus interrupted.

“But, yes, you’re right. I did, but it’s fine now. I’m fixing it, I’m fixing it—“

He flippantly waved the chainsaw around. A good way to take off someone’s nose if one weren’t careful, but it would be fine. He would just waggle it at the shadow clones in the hallway, they’d dissipate, and they’d be back on the bridge before Megatron would ever find out there had been a problem.

To think the big guy was finally defeated… and by a little nanite-based bug. The only reason Rodimus had the free reign to go explore the anomaly was because his co-captain was sleeping the sickness off in his claustrophobic habsuite.

“I’d say you should have tried to stop me, but, let’s be honest, I would have just overruled you anyway.” Rodimus threw a thumb towards the sealed doors of the cargo bay. “You’ve got the extra fuel canisters, right? Can’t have the Chopinater Supreme run dry.”

“You’ve named the chainsaw what?”

“You can just say you don’t want to have to tell Megatron what happened. That’s okay.” Rodimus gave Ultra Magnus a firm, but friendly pat on the arm. “He’ll find out anyway when we use the bridge’s PA system to broadcast the chainsaw noises. If he’s not dead, he’ll wake up.”

He paused, putting his hand on his chin in thought, the roaring chainsaw dangling dangerously from his other hand, its powerful motor struggling to escape.

“Actually, even if he is, it’ll probably still wake him up.” Rodimus shrugged. “Anyway, we have some shadow creatures to shout apart. Just think, we’re using the power of sound to murder some monsters.”